1. They say pick and choose your battles, I mean, REALLY pick and choose your battles
It’s Monday morning and I am sitting at the breakfast table with my 2-year-old debating on what to feed her. Do I want her to eat something healthy every morning? Of course. However, every morning my daughter asks for “apple fruit bar” or “French toast” and most mornings I compromise. I end up giving her apple fruit bar in her oatmeal because it’s all about shared control- or giving your child some say over what happens in their day. Spirited children have an opinion and want to feel like they have some control over their lives so give it to them when you can (e.g. letting them chose what they wear, or where they go for the day).
2. Don’t compare your spirited child to neurotypical kids
Spirited children fit no mold. They don’t follow the rules when it comes to many things such as breastfeeding, or sleeping, so use the reference of “norms” as a guide only. For example, Taking Cara Babies sleep training did not work for us 100% and our spirited child did not like to be swaddled and slept fine with a night light on. We learned early on to be mindful when reading articles about typical children’s behaviors and development as they did not always apply to us.
3. Do what works best for YOUR family
When it comes to parenting challenges, you most likely encounter many throughout your day when raising a spirited child. We had to make the tough decision to not travel as much as we liked since our spirited child made it very difficult. Yes, traveling with a child is difficult, but traveling with a spirited child is another level of difficult (like crying-hysterically-in-the-car-seat-for-hours difficult). You know what I mean if you have one. If you are the main caregivers, then you have to do what works best for your sanity, especially if you are a stay-at-home parent (raises hand). Because, guess what, you are the one responsibility on Monday from wake time to sleep time. Preserve your energy and sanity and make the right decision for yourself and your family.
4. Ask for help and get the support you need OFTEN
Remember spirited children require more from you than other children (think of all the little battles throughout the day), so undoubtedly you’ll need more help along the way. Don’t be afraid to ask for support from family, friends, and religious/spiritual groups. That support can look like: having them watch your child, someone to cook dinner for you, a person to vent to, or joining a Mom’s Morning Out at your local church. Every bit of support helps, so reach out often.
5. Get outside in nature and play
I’m a big believer that children need outdoor play and this goes for spirited children even more. There’s something about being in nature that evokes a sense of calm (look up forest bathing). We’ve been lucky enough to be located by multiple parks, so whenever my daughter is in a fussy mood, I try to change the environment by going outside. It works like magic and she instantly stops her complaining once we round the corner of our home.
6. Learn more about what it means to have a spirited child
I have worked with children professionally for over 10 years, but somehow I STILL needed to learn more about my child’s unique temperament. The first book I picked up was Raising your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. This book was game changing in understanding my child’s temperament across the five main characteristics (i.e. intensity, persistence, perceptiveness, adaptability, and sensitivity) as well as the four bonus traits (i.e. regularity, energy, first reaction, and mood). By reading this book, I learned specifically what was making things challenging for me (e.g. her intensity, high energy, and perseverance when she wanted something) and made the necessary adjustments along the way.
7. Find out where you are on the spirited-spectrum
Chances are if you have a spirited child, you or your partner was either a spirited child, or at least had some traits of being a spirited child (that’s me). Your unique personality impacts how you respond to your spirited child, for example, an intense parent vs an easy-going one, and knowing where you fall on the spectrum can help you improve how you respond to your spirited child. I personally learned so much about myself through my research and learned that many of my triggers were also my child’s triggers, such as loud unexpected sounds and busy environments. As a result, I go into these sorts of environments with a time limit and look for sensory meltdown signs, such as my daughter getting quiet and scanning the environment followed by jerky movements.
Link to spirited child test: http://www.greatfun4kidsblog.com/2008/10/spirited-kids-personality-test.html
8. Discover if your child needs a diagnosis, or treatment
Spirited children often get overlooked when it comes to their treatment, since they may not necessarily meet criteria for a diagnosis yet their behaviors cause problems for their parents (for example, they are hitting their classmates in preschool). If you feel like your child’s behaviors are more than you can handle you can contact your pediatrician, or the local regional center for support.
9. Reframe your child’s behaviors as positives
One of the most valuable tools I learned from Raising your Spirited Child is to reframe any negative traits as positive ones. The power of words can shape how you view your child and how others view your child as well. A child running around outdoor story time instead of sitting (a regular occurrence over here) can be viewed as “active,” or a “natural athlete” instead of “disobedient.”
10. Be kind to yourself
And most importantly give yourself grace, love, and acceptance. Take each moment one at a time and know that through parenting you are riding the waves of life.
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