“No! Get awaaay!"- a 3-year-old girl yells as she yanks her pink toy stroller away from her friend. “Okay we can’t touch that”- I hear the friend’s mom say as she pulls her daughter away from the toy stroller. I slightly cringe as I sit within earshot of the confrontation and I know this all-to-familiar scenario of a child whining, screaming, or yelling and the parent complying with their request. It’s a common cycle between caregiver and child and is often hard to break.
However, I am here to help guide your way to be able to stop this cycle of yelling and whining in 5 easy steps. Though before we get started, I wanted to rule out the following factors that may contribute to an increase in yelling and whining that can be preventable.
Special Considerations:
Has your child had their hearing checked? Is there a possible hearing impairment that causes them to talk more loudly?
Is your child hungry, or suffering from low blood sugar? This can cause an increase in yelling or whining due to irritability.
Is your child sick, or tired?
If you answer yes to these, please consult with a doctor, or dietician if needed.
The 5 Steps:
1. Recognize that yelling and whining is occurring
One of the hardest things for some parents is recognizing that yelling and whining is occurring. This is especially hard for parents who come from households of yelling, whining, and verbal abuse. Loud is always the volume being used and may be considered the norm for some. Take note when your child is engaging in yelling and whining, by also recognizing it in yourself. You can create a note section in your phone where you tally up how many times you yell, or whine during the day to get a baseline for yourself. You may be surprised that it happens more often than you thought and this may even be a new goal for you as well.
2. Start modeling the skill
Our children are sponges and pick up on everything that we do… this includes yelling and whining. Yes, I am guilty of both. If we want our child to speak with an appropriate volume and tone, we must also do the same. No, it doesn’t mean you have to be perfect and if you aren’t you shouldn’t even try. It simply means to reduce the number of times you are yelling and whining throughout the day and to increase the times you are speaking respectfully, in an appropriate volume, as well as with kind words.
Get rid of the: “Go get your shoes NOW!” and replace it with “Can you please go get your shoes?”
Stop the whining: “I am so tired of waiting in line, this is ridiculous” and replace it with a deep breath, or redirection to your phone to pass the time in line.
3. Replace the words and identify the solution for the situation
Now it’s time to do the dirty work!
Yelling Scenario: Your 4-year-old daughter is playing quietly with her dolls in her room and her little brother swings the door open and starts jumping on the bed. She immediately starts screaming: “Get out now! GET OUUUUT!!!” Although we can totally empathize with your daughter’s need for space, now’s the time to help your daughter choose a replacement phrase.
For example, “You can say, please give me space.” It’s up to you to make sure her new replacement phrase is being reinforced, by her brother giving her space. If her replacement phrase does not give her the solution that she wants (i.e., space), she may not be likely to use it in the future. This is where our last steps come in, but first let’s review whining.
Whining Scenario: Your 3-year-old son is saying, “But I want to go on a waaaalk.” You can tell him, that you do not understand what he is saying and for him to try to say it again in a talking voice. If needed, model the replacement phrase (e.g., “Can we go on a walk?”) which is the request without the whiny voice.
4. Praise them for using their new words
Once your child has used the replacement phrase, immediately praise them for doing so. For example, “Thank you for using a more respectful voice, I like that!” or “Now I can hear you, yes, we can totally go on a walk. Nice job using a talking voice.”
5. Follow through is key!
It is crucial that this replacement phrase (i.e., not yelling or whining) is being reinforced in some way which is giving the child the desired response, such as removing the person from the room, or giving the child an item back. Obviously, it is not possible to give the child everything that they want all the time, and that is where the praise comes in and acknowledgement of their request.
For example, “I know you wanted that stroller back and you asked in a nice way, but we are going to make a plan with our friend so she can use it too. Do you want 5 more minutes, or 4?” This is validating their feelings, but also helping them engage in conflict resolution skills.
Now you have all the tools needed to start managing your kid’s whining and yelling. I hope these tips come in handy and please share with a friend! For more support, contact Southbay Parent Coaching for a FREE consult.
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