“Congratulations on your lil’ bundle of joy! This is the best time of your life.” If you immediately roll your eyes and think of a snarky comment, then this article is just for you. Being a new mom is one of the most rewarding experiences, but one of the hardest jobs there is. There are no lunch breaks, vacation time, awards of recognition, or an amazing salary. There’s just spit-up, mom buns, stained t-shirts, and a steep learning curve with no user manual. After the experience of being a SAHM, along with coaching moms through Southbay Parent Coaching and Maven Clinic- I have narrowed down what new moms really need to thrive, not just survive. Read my strategies below.
Here are my 5 strategies to thrive as a new mom:
1) Self-care comes first
During a disaster, the advice on an airplane is to put on your oxygen mask first before helping others and this relates perfectly to mom’s prioritizing their own self care before taking care of others. The definition of self-care according to WHO is: “The ability of individuals, families and communities to promote health, prevent disease, maintain health, and cope with illness and disability with or without the support of a health worker.” In its simplest form, it is eating meals at a reasonable time, sleeping the right amount of hours, and drinking enough water. It also includes scheduling and attending doctor’s appointments, as well as anything that maintains your physical and mental health.
Strategy: One way to achieve this self-care goal is to communicate your needs to your partner and to make a plan for that to happen. For example, I made sure to tell my husband that it was important for me to eat lunch around 12:00 pm otherwise I fall under the “hangry” category. As a result, we were able to coordinate a plan where he would watch our newborn so I could make the time to eat a healthy lunch that filled my self-care cup. This was something that seemed simple, but helped set up my day for success. So, start making micro-plans with your partner to start taking care of you.
2) Complete your stress cycle
Picture this: You’re on maternity leave and at home with your newborn all day, or you’re a stay-at-home mom, like I was. That means there’s crying (for some there’s a lot), frequent multi-tasking, loads of dirty dishes, second-guessing your decisions when solutions don’t work, and just basic overwhelm and burn-out. I just picture the Tasmanian devil and his trail of chaos as how being a first-time mom feels like (yes, I am dating myself with this reference).
Your stress cycle keeps on getting triggered, but you’re not able to complete the cycle via “fight or flight” because you have a baby in your arms and you can’t quite flee or fight. As a result, you build up cortisol and when it becomes chronic it puts you at risk of depression, anxiety, and stomach ulcers to name a few.
Strategy: According to Emily and Amelia Nagoski authors of Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, physical exercise should be your first line of attack for burnout and overwhelm. Maybe that’s doing a quick round of jumping jacks, or a couple pushups- whatever you can fit into your busy schedule. You can also find the time to complete the stress cycle by being in nature, laughing and releasing endorphins, taking a nap, deep breathing during yoga, and even having a good cry. If you don’t think you have enough time to fit these strategies into your schedule, start small and then build up the momentum.
3) Find your support system of moms
One of the best tips I received as a mom was from my longtime friend Lisa who was a veteran mom with three kids and one on the way. She told me to find a mom with a kid the same age as mine, so if I had any questions about motherhood they would be going through the same thing. Simple, but crucial advice. Later that week I got onto Facebook and essentially put out a want-ad on South Bay (LA) Mommies- a group for moms who live in the Southbay of Los Angeles. The “ad” for a mom who wanted to hang out that had a baby the same age as my daughter who at the time was 9 months old. That’s how I met my mom friend Michele who had a daughter one month younger than my daughter and who I am still close with to this day. We can ask each other: “Is it normal that my toddler only wants to wear Minnie Mouse clothes every day? Will this ever end,” and “Is your daughter screaming, “Nooo” all the time also?” The answer to both questions is yes.
Strategy: Reach out and be vulnerable in order to meet other moms, if you can. Talk with other moms at the park, in line at the grocery store, wherever you find them. You’ll find you are not alone in the struggle when you often think that you are and sometime starting the conversation is your first step. Some other great places to meet mom friends in person are: library story times, kid’s club, MOPS, as well as mommy and me groups, such as FIT4MOMs, or The Happy Hatchling. You can also meet mom friends through Facebook mom groups in your city, or through groups such as, The Mom Walk Collective.
4) Don’t do it alone- get a team of helpers
It takes a village to raise a child and for many of us, we are far away from that village. As a Maven Clinic parent coach, a lot of my clients are new moms who are frequently far away from their immediate family due to work and are overwhelmed with their new role as mom. One of my first pieces of advice I tell them is to look into their support systems and then next their team of helpers. If your village is not present then create your own team of helpers.
Strategy: Find the right team of helpers to add to your life. Some ways you can get help with caretaking is by getting a nanny, mommy helper, find childcare, or see if you can swap turns with a friend performing childcare. There is also childcare at gyms, such as Equinox and Bay Clubs El Segundo.
Some ways you can get support at home is by ordering grocery delivery, getting a house keeper, or by doing grocery pickups, such as at Target. I understand that some of these options may not be possible for all individuals due to financial reasons. If so, you can even look into support at a local church or religious centers, if applicable. Sometimes they offer lower cost childcare that can fit into a smaller budget.
5) Prioritize and then let some of it sit
I love me a to-do list and I love crossing each item off of the list. That quickly changed after I had my baby. I learned that I can no longer do what I want right away and some of my to-do list items would have to sit at bit longer, or (gasp) not even get done. This greatly clashed with my Type A personality, but it’s almost necessary when you’re a new mom (or mom in general). Learning to let things sit.
Strategy: As a way to reduce the mental load, I learned to write it all down to and delegate tasks when necessary. For example, do I really need to pick up my Target order right now, or can my husband do it on his way home for work? I learned you must conserve your energy and also conserve your time. If you feel that the work load is unbalanced at home, I really love Fair Play: A Game Changing Solution For When You Have Too Much to Do (And More Life to Live). This book helps you look at your workload distribution at home with your partner in order to create a more balanced life.
I hope these five strategies helped you as much as they have helped myself and other new moms.
If you are struggling as a new mom and want additional support, please set up a parent coaching session through Maven Clinic.
*Please note if you struggles are more intense and may meet criteria for post-partum depression, or post-partum anxiety, please consult with a mental health provider, or your doctor first.
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